


That is What My Grandmother Told Me

by anarchycox



Series: Anarchycox's 2019 Personal Writing Challenge [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Conversations, Fluff and Crack, Getting Together, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Swearing, filthy language, merlin's grandmother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 02:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17357519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin has a habit on missions of saying the phrase "as my gran always told me," followed by the filthiest thing any agent has ever heard. This stuns and confuses Eggsy and he tries to learn more about it.





	That is What My Grandmother Told Me

It was taking some getting used to. Months of a very particular Merlin, a trainer, who was stern and professional, and sometimes angry, and just a hint of a smirk. It was what Eggsy expected once he was an agent. And it was all there, but there was other things. There were jokes, and snark, once a recipe for the best shortbread ever, according to Merlin. Eggsy had been curious enough to make the biscuits and they were good, but tasted like shortbread, it wasn’t a taste that varied a lot.

Then it happened. Flummoxed Merlin. Eggsy honestly did not think that was possible but there it was, on a mission when they could not open a door they needed to open. Merlin could not crack the code, Eggsy couldn’t pick the lock and nothing was working. “Merlin, you gotta give me something here?”

There was quiet for a moment, and Eggsy knew that the man would come up with a solution - he was Merlin, nothing stopped him. “Well, this is what my gran always told me,” Merlin began and Eggsy had no idea where that came from. “*@#!#$$% and the @#$@##$$#@#$ with the @!#$@#$#, and iffen ye @#$!$^$$@%! into the #@#$!#$%$% ye will #!$%” Then there was just silence again.

“Huh?” was all Eggsy could come up with.

“Eggsy, just #!@@$#Q$#! the @#$#!@$ and @#$!#$#@$. That is an order!”

Eggsy was a council boy, who had spent years trying to out curse his mates and he had never heard such filth in his life. At least he thought it was filth. Maybe. It sounded like Scottish Twitter had all their best tweets condensed into one thing. He was very confused and a bit terrified. “I’m just going to blow up the door,” he said finally.

“Well, good since that is what I told you to do!” Merlin snapped.

Eggsy was pretty sure he had been told something completely different but he wasn’t going to argue. He used a lighter and soon enough was through the door.

*************************************

“Hey, Rox?” They were running the obstacle course together.

“Yeah?” She was huffing a little bit, still healing from a cracked rib.

“Is Merlin...different than you expected?” He kept running but then turned when he realized she had stopped. “You okay?”

Roxy nodded, and he went over to let her lean on him. “Eggsy, he told me a knock knock joke. A really bad one. I don’t think he understand comedic timing.”

“How do you fuck up a knock knock joke?”

“I don’t know but he managed.” Roxy gave a nod and they started running again. “And there was the gran thing.”

“He did that to you too?” Eggsy was relieved. “Did you understand a single word after  _ well as my gran always said _ ?”

“I think there was a ‘the’ and a ‘with’ and maybe the number seven?” Roxy sounded hesitant. “Near as I could tell he said,  _ well my dearie ye $#@%@$%$%^ !@#$!#$!# !#$!#@$ the !#@!$%@#% seven !$#!#%$!#$ #@!$%@# with @#!$#!^$@$%# _ . I think that is correct.”

“Jesus, Roxy,” those words sounded wrong coming from her mouth. “That is just vile.”

“I know,” she snapped and then paused. “I think? I mean a few of those are curse words right? Compound ones?”

“Yeah, I mean I think so. I am not 100% sure,” Eggsy had to admit. “Whose gran says things like that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Have you asked Percival about this?” 

Roxy gave him a look, “Yes I am repeating those words to my godfather. Are you insane? That is not happening.”

“You don’t have to say them again, and please I’m actually begging you not to.”

Roxy glared at him, “Why because it is unladylike?”

“No, because they scare me.”

She laughed a little at that. “You ask Harry then.”

“Oh right, yeah,” Eggsy agreed. “Anyone knows what that is about, it will be Harry.”

They finished the course and went to the showers and Eggsy made sure that Roxy took her meds because he knew she tended to skip them. He went up to Harry’s office. “Arthur, you got a moment?” he asked after almost remembering to knock.

“Yes, of course, Galahad,” Harry said and smiled at Eggsy. “Your last mission went well, I have the report. Merlin is very pleased with your performance.”

“That’s what I need to talk to you about. Merlin,” Eggsy sat down across from Harry. “He’s different as a handler than he is as a trainer. Taking a bit of an adjustment.”

“Oh?” Harry asked politely. “I admit I’ve only known him as a handler. What is the difference?”

“More casual?”

“That is not so unusual,” Harry said. “He is no longer training you. The air of authority is no longer needed.”

“Yeah but...Harry what’s with the  _ as my gran always told me _ ,” Eggsy watched as the eye that Harry still had twitched. “There, what was that?”

“There was nothing,” Harry said.

Eggsy put on a Scottish inflection, “ _ as my gran always told me _ ,” he repeated and then pointed. “Your eye twitched. Right there. You know I’m aces at micro expressions. And you fucking twitched.”

Harry sighed, “I just have heard that phrase a lot in the last thirty years. And well it is rather traumatizing.”

“You curse all the bloody time,” Eggsy pointed out.

“Yes, I use words like bloody, and hell. Shit and fuck. Bugger. Like any normal civilized person does to express emotion. I never say to a man about to seduce someone for a mission the phrase,  _ well as my gran always told me !!#@$!@$# !#@$!#@$ into the !#@$!#@ with !@#$!@$ and dinnae forget !@#$! !#$%!#@%!$#% to !#$!#!#@$!$ for the sake of our lord !@#$!@$ the !@#$!#@$!#@. _ ” Harry was visibly uncomfortable repeating those words.

“I don’t even. How do? What?” Eggsy had to ask. “Who makes up that a gran would say that?”

“I wish I knew,” Harry said. He poured himself a dram. “But he has been saying things like that to agents who get in a pickle since he became quartermaster. We think they are supposed to be folksy sayings, but they are the most depraved, craven, vile things that anyone who works at Kingsman has ever heard.”

“But why the ‘gran always told me’ part?” Eggsy pressed. “Why not just say the completely insane and terrifying thing?”

“To make it remote? He isn’t the person who is clearly going to hell for the words and suggestions that he is spewing - it is his gran. He is just repeating it.”

“That makes zero sense.”

“The things he says make zero sense,” Harry countered, “How exactly does one translate !@#$!$#!$%%@$# and iffen #@$!#$!@# !@#$!$ @$# ye ken?”

“I think you just told me to,” Eggsy paused, “I don’t even know what you told me to do.”

“Welcome to being a true Kingsman agent,” Harry said. “It sucks.”

“No, I don’t think sucking was anywhere in those words,” Eggsy said after a moment. “I’m asking him about it.”

Harry’s eye widened, “I am not sure that is a good idea. We all just live with it. Sure it makes Bors weep sometimes, but we are British, we endure.”

“I’m asking him.”

“Good luck with that,” Harry said.

***************************

It took Eggsy a week to work up the courage, and to find Merlin not dealing with a mission or other important thing. He assumed, since Merlin was playing Minecraft on his giant computer screens, it was safe to talk to him. “Hey, guv, you got some time?”

“Sure,” Merlin agreed. “Mind if I build while we talk?”

“Nerd,” Eggsy teased.

“I find it soothing. I almost have a 1/25th scale of the estate built into the game.” Merlin tapped at his keyboard. “What do you need, Eggsy? Tech?”

“No, I have a personal question,” Eggsy said.

“Aye, I will go on a date with you,” Merlin replied.

“About the gran thing - wait what?” Eggsy blinked. He looked at Merlin, “I don’t get it. Roxy said you were bad at jokes. Did I miss a set up?”

“You aren’t here to ask me on a date?”

“No?” Eggsy replied completely and thoroughly confused. “Why would you think I was?” He tried to remember if he had flirted with Merlin and he couldn’t think of an instance. He was pretty sure. He had checked Merlin out, but hell he had seen a nun check Merlin out, bastard was gorgeous. 

“Aw well,” Merlin shrugged and focused on his game, “As my gran always told me,  _ boyo, iffen ye !#$!#$%%!@#$ !#$#$%!@#$ !#@$! dinnae miss your !@#$!$#@!@# in !@#$!@#$@! and expect to #!$#!$%#%#$. _ ”

“My nana always told me if I didn’t wash behind my ears, potatoes would grow,” Eggsy replied.

“A good saying to be sure. Now what was the real personal question?” Merlin looked over from his game.

“I am just gonna go,” Eggsy said and slowly backed out of the room. He debated backing out all the way out of London but decided to stay put. And for the next three months he kept noticing how attractive Merlin was, and the guy could tell a joke Roxy was wrong about that (they were dreadful jokes but that way on purpose), and okay Eggsy’s eye had developed the same twitch as Harry’s when he heard the words “as my gran always told me” but heaven help him he also found it charming.

And after the fifth sex dream about Merlin that had him furiously wanking in the morning, Eggsy decided that maybe the personal question he wanted to ask Merlin was about a date. 

It took another month to work up the courage to ask Merlin out, and he put on his favourite Kingsman suit - a personal not a work one and headed in. He was about to go into the dressing room when Andrew coughed, “Sir, I think you should head to the conference room upstairs.”

“Bugger, I didn’t forget a meeting?” His glasses should have told him if there was.

“No, sir, but a visitor of some note, that you would not want to miss.”

“Thanks,” Eggsy jogged up the steps and went into the room and all the agents who were in town were circled around a chair, and had various looks of awe, confusion, and shock on their faces. Harry looked most befuddled of all.

Merlin was beaming, and Eggsy felt his heart swoop. Definitely needed to ask him out. “Eggsy, please, come meet my gran!” The agents parted a little and there was a tiny woman who looked like she was a witch in a fairy tale. “Eggsy, this is my grandmother Ellie. Gran this is Eggsy.”

She looked up at him and she was just so tiny, it felt like even Daisy could squish her. “Ma’am,” Eggsy said. “You’re real.”

She barked a laugh, “Not the first one of this group to say that. What tales has my boyo been telling ye?” Ellie looked to Merlin, “Well they are all labelled, give him his.”

“Of course, Gran,” Merlin said and went to the table behind him where there were old grocery bags, so old the plastic had shed the name of the shop. Merlin sorted through them. “Eggsy, here we go.” He came over and handed Eggsy a bag. His cheeks were a little ruddy. “She brought goodies for everyone I’ve told her about over the years.”

“You told your gran about me?” Eggsy smiled a little. 

“Once or twice,” Merlin replied.

“Once or twice, ye never are quiet about that boy. Every skype the last year he comes up. You say nice things about him, more than you say grumpus things about Harry.”

“Grumpus?” 7 of the world’s deadliest killers all said in unison.

“Aye, always a grumpy child. The stories I could tell you.”

Merlin’s eyed widened, “Gran, no.”

“Stories or baby photos,” she said firmly.

“Stories,” Merlin sighed.

Every agent sat down and opened their bag and pulled out shortbread and other treats and settled in and Eggsy kept an eye on Merlin as stories were told and not a single curse word or odd phrase was said. As she went on, Harry got this look in his eye that meant Merlin was going to hear about these stories forever, or that he was going to be putting an end to all the ‘my gran always told me’ talk.

Eggsy realized he was going to miss it.

“Now, then I do need me nap, been a busy day, and I want to see some of London later today. Not a spry 88 anymore. Oh that was a good year, won 100 at bingo you know. Now Eggsy boy, help an old woman down those stairs.”

“I can help ye, Gran,” Merlin protested.

“You’ll be cleaning up that fine table, no crumbs for the mouses, you know that.”

“Yes, Gran,” Merlin agreed.

Eggsy offered the woman his arm, and she barely came up to his heart. He was freaking out that she’d fall and shatter to a million pieces, but they made it down the steps fine and Andrew said a car was waiting out front for her. “Ma’am, how long are you going to be in London?”

“A few days, you’ll come to supper, when I make my grandson’s favourite,” she told him.

“I will.”

“Aye, you will, because he’s been pining for you fierce, and I like the look of you, so you’ll ask him out.”

“I was planning to, but why hasn’t he asked me out?”

“He was your trainer, and your life is in his hands, it is a power imbalance if he does it,” she said. She reached up and patted his cheek. “A cute boy.”

“Thank you ma’am,” Eggsy said. “You know, you are not what we were all lead to believe.”

She laughed a harsh and raspy thing, which contained a great deal of joy. “Oh I can only imagine what tall tales that boy of mine has been telling. But as I have always said, a boy who !#$!#$!@!#$@ and takes to !#@$!#@%$$#!@!$ !#@$!@$!#@$!# !@#!$#!$#@ but iffen he !#!@#$!%#, he will never be #!#$!#@ #!@$%#!$ !#@$!@#.” She patted his cheek again and went out to the Kingsman car.”

Andrew was kind enough to guide Eggsy to a chair and fan him with a pocket square.

“Eggsy, what happened?” Merlin was all of a sudden kneeling in front of him. He checked Eggsy’s pupils and pulse.

“You weren’t lying about your gran,” Eggsy whispered, words stuck in his throat.

“Ahhh, she said something did she?” 

Eggsy could only nod. It had been so filthy, he couldn’t repeat it, sure his soul would slide out of his body the second the words were uttered.

“Her husband was a sailor. He needed to toughen up, so she taught him how to curse. She is a very inventive woman.”

“I’m coming to dinner, your favourite.”

“You don’t have to.”

Eggsy looked at Merlin and pressed his forehead to Merlin’s. “I want to.”

“Oh,” Merlin smiled a little. “Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Eggsy.”

“Eggsy who?”

“Eggsy aren’t ye glad my gran asked you to dinner?”

Eggsy snorted at that. “Yeah, I am.”

******************************************

Three months later, Eggsy was slowly taking his clothes off in Merlin’s bedroom and he saw a look in Merlin’s eye and the man open his mouth.

“Merlin I swear to god, if you quote your gran right now, I will never once suck your dick.”

Merlin didn’t say anything but  _ more, yes, please, fuck, _ and Eggsy for the rest of the night.


End file.
